07/08/2024 11:10:00 PM 
His investigation and subsequent article is illuminating, entertaining and somewhat disturbing.
Here's Alex's encounter with a brand planner.
"My next appointment is with a branding consultant. Moving Brands may have declined my invitation, but another brand planner with 10 years' experience has stepped into their place. He is enthusiastic, but the branding session appears to go on forever. There is a computer presentation, involving a lot of fancy graphics and oblique statements in block capitals: THIS IS ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. IT IS DRIVEN BY A VISION. BROUGHT TO LIFE IN YOUR VALUES. COMMUNICATED IN YOUR PERSONALITY AND TONE OF VOICE.
It is all intended to introduce me to the concept of branding, but I'm none the wiser when it's over, so he tries a more basic tack. There are a lot of questions, some of which bear a startling resemblance to the sort of things Smash Hits used to ask Howard Jones and the Thompson Twins in the early 1980s. If your music was an animal, what would it be? What kind of car do you think you are? If your music was at a party, how would it get on with the other guests? There is talk of "owning" certain fonts and colours and of "developing the pull of the brand through quirkiness". There also seems to be much telling of the kind of home truths that could reduce a real-life sensitive singer-songwriter to tears: "The name is a bit of a bugger, let's be honest. 'Alexis Petridis' - it just sounds a bit Greek, and, no disrespect to your homeland, but Greece doesn't sell. I don't want people thinking they're buying into some Demis Roussos-type singer... And I don't think that physically you're going to be pulling people in, so I'm not sure that putting your picture on the cover or in adverts is such a good idea."
After an hour or so of this, I have my own set of characteristics: honest, natural, unvarnished, vulnerable, human, quirky. I have my own colours: autumnal shades of brown - "distinctive, but with a kind of earthiness to it" - offset with orange ("to bring a bit of light and life to the brand"). I have ideas involving CD packaging made from recycled materials, a font based on my handwriting ("so that when people are buying your products, they are engaging with you on a personal level") and photographs taken on Polaroids or disposable cameras. I also have the makings of a complex about my name and appearance, but I try to put that out of my mind."
Warning signs here:
- Computer presentation
- Fancy graphics
- Going on forever
- Oblique statements
- Clients being none the wiser
It appears you don't have Flash installed.